I realize that this may all seem a bit melodramatic; I'm sure there are tons of students every year who get kicked out of school for running out of money, or luck, as the case may be. And I'm sure this is going to make me sound spoiled, and maybe you'd have to know me personally to realy understand what I'm about to say: But the truth is that I have never been unable to achieve something that I really really wanted. It's never been completely out of reach, even if it was purely a miracle that it worked out. And as a result of this I always just imagined that when someone told me (or I told myself) that it was going to be okay, that that meant it was going to work out the way you thought it would.
And I don't mean always, just generally, because there are days even now when I just know that I am going to wake up in about five minutes- on the futon I used to fall asleep on, in the house I grew up in. And my Mom is going to come down the hall humming to herself with a basket of white towels and ask me if I had a nice nap... And the last four years, good and bad, are going to melt away.

But that's nonense! And I think what I'm really trying to get at here is that sometimes God has to remind me that it's not me. And "being okay" doesn't always mean that it works out my way or the way I think it's going to. Funny thing is, this is such an old lesson, but sometimes I need a little pinch to remind me that trusting Him - with EVERYTHING - is the most important thing I can do. Y'know?
I get so caught up in the crazy blur of busy days and lack of money, and I start forgetting. I start feeling more and more like I'm on my own, and stop pausing to thank Him for every second, or ask Him to be sure that even the small things work out. And I think, maybe, just maybe, even God feels abandoned sometimes - and He's a pretty jealous guy, I think. So once in a while, He's got to stop me and remind me how to focus.

"... I've seen some cool stuff. I made a lot of stuff happen for myself. I made a lot of stuff happen for myself. That's a really cool sentence when you're in your 20s, right? "I made it happen for myself." But all that means is that I've just somehow or another found a way to synthesize love. Or synthesize soothing. You can't get that..." - John Mayer

Ecclessiastes 5:7

All right, so....
I gotta admit. I'm pretty confused. The last two weeks are slowly congealing, days are finally beginning to separate.

Last Friday (well not this past Friday, but the one before it) I found out that my financial aid for the second half of my school was not going to come through. Yep. I guess there are worse reasons one could be kicked out of culinary school than not having enough money. But that's mostly me trying to make myself feel better.

I've spent most of the week trying to creatively fill the first six hours of my day since I still wake up at 5:30 every morning. Seven months is a long time to be doing the same thing every day, and I guess - after a while, you just sort of forget what you used to do before. So I went out for coffee, ran some errands, baked some brownies and cookies, and by Friday I was taking my dog to the park pretty steadily. Which has been nice. I've applied at a few places for a second job, too. So we'll see how that goes.

Freakishly, as stressful as the weeks leading up to that last day were... All I really felt was relief. At last, there was finality. Sure, there is the possibility (and intent) to return to school, but at least I could concentrate on what the next week was going to be like. I mean, there was more than one occasion where the head of the financial aid department was explaining different possible ways of splitting up these four and five digit numbers - and the room just started to spin. You know?

My week was going along pretty nicely, actually, and it all really hit me on Thursday. I was running errands and talking to a few bakeries my Dad recommended to hit up for jobs... And I was on the phone with him (my Dad) explaining how my last little meeting had gone, and looking for this small bakery on this street in the middle of a ton of roadwork-- when this wave of frustration, and I mean undiluted, burning, almost blinding frustration, pushed me back in my seat.

This is not how this was supposed to go. I shouldn't be doing this. Why is this happening? How did it happen? I shouldn't even be here right now. Was all that I could think. Luckily I found the place not a moment later, had to turn around the construction and pull into a parking space.

And then it finally happened, still on the phone talking to my Dad about looking for a job, I just started crying. It's what always happens when I really get frustrated or angry (and pretty much only then too, I'm not really a cryer) but it felt really random when I realized that I don't actually know when I'll be able to go back. Or why this happened. Nor had I any idea what God was trying to teach me through this.
As I talked to my Dad, or rather, he talked to me, I begged God for something. For anything. And then my Dad had to go. And suddenly, just for a few long seconds, I felt completely and utterly alone. And it was scary.

Anger he smiles towering in shiny metallic purple armor
Queen Jealousy, envy waits behind him
Her fiery green gown sneers at the grassy ground
Blue are the life-giving waters taken for granted
They quietly understand
The once happy turquoise armies lay opposite ready
But wonder why the fight is on

But they're all bold as love
Yeah, they're all bold as love
They're all bold as love
Just ask the axis...

My red is so confident that he flashes
Trophies of war and ribbons of euphoria
Orange is young, full of daring
But very unsteady for the first go around
My yellow in this case is not so mellow
In fact I'm trying to say it's frightened like me
And all these emotions of mine keep holding me from
Giving my life to a rainbow like you

I'm bold, bold as love
Yeah I'm bold, bold as love
I'm bold, bold as love
Just ask the axis...

Yeah he knows, he knows everything
I'm bold, bold as love

~Jimi Hendrix~