Oh, luxurious yawnage. I felt like a person again today, for the first time in a little while. Home alone for most of the day, I cleaned the place up a little, wrote out a list of Christmas/Chanukkah gifts I'll be purchasing... hopefully within the week, played a little guitar, and even watched a couple episodes of Samurai Jack and a movie.
It's been very calm. I don't know when I got un-used to that, but I really enjoyed it today. Lately I've found myself becoming less and less joyful with life, you know? When you get in that little rut where you get up five minutes later every day until you've got less than half an hour to get to work? And then, when you get there, you are still very tired and yawny, and you don't want to talk to anyone, you can't wait to get home... But when you get home, you're exhausted and you just want to go to bed... It's a vicious cycle.
And very unusual for me, I might add. I love winter and Christmas and the whole season... Sights, smells, sounds - all the work and the whole bit. I really do. This is where I always feel like I belong. But it all sort of felt rushed this year, until today.
I breathe the very deliberately today. And, as I write it all out, I find myself actually becoming a kind of excited about the holidays for the first time this year. Like I finally took a second to realise how little all the little things are that have been tripping me up all this time, and how it's all supposed to be about God and God being so big.... For some reason, when I think about God being big, I imagine a very light transparent blanket settling over a sleepy little town that is very dark and blueish with bright yellow windows, sort of like a sheet settles on a bed after you shake it. I think that probably makes more sense as an imaginary thing, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

I've been writing again. I think it just happens after I read a lot - like word regurgitation, only... not disgusting. Well, at least I don't think so. That it's disgusting, I mean.
My header is really cheesy. It's actually starting to bug me a little. Time for a change.
More later...

EDIT: Ahhh.... so much better. The Wall... It makes me happy to look at.

I have nothing left in my room to read. All my books have done their dances - many of them twice. So I write.
But I guess the truth is, I'm tired of writing... of reading... of speeches and words and all things having little or nothing to do with image and music and colour... Of having so many thoughts and no longer any adequate medium through which to express them.
Never meaning to sound smartypants or profound or intelligent - but only to have less in my head. Inevitably, however, this is how they arrive.
Packaged or canned and brightly labeled for categorical reference and later use or simply tossed into the Pointless Pile.

I also seem to suffer from an inability to express this without sounding overlysomething. So, I hope none of this has come off as terribly as most of what I say.
Sleep is in order. I imagine it must be fun to work in a coffee shop on Halloween...

Nooooo. The mucus, it's coming. Where the heck do random colds come from?
Please just be allergies.

its almost my season again darlings
broken toys alive in autumn leaves like spinning tops
and cool winds on our skin come like california kisses
oceans of trees turning colours like buttons pressed
and no water to be found
wondering how emptiness is filled by the roaring in our ears
and our shadows dance in sunlight to protect their frozen toes
when frothy clouds roll in like warm milk to feed the dust.
hello.

So my birthday was pretty much awesome. (No pictures this year though, oddly enough. And I have yet to get the California pics from Jess... Oh well. I'll just have to remind her tomorrow.)
Jeremy and I saw The Cave today - a strange day to have off, but nice nonetheless - and it was really cool. I love the climbing scene when it flies, Piper Perabo's turn. Heh. That was freakishly awesome. A great concept really, executed very well, which doesn't seem to happen often these days. Also more than a little Reign of Fire reminiscent, and it paid serious homage to many others, but the ending was the killer.

I also bought this today. And a 2 GB SD card for it that I'm pretty excited about... But I haven't picked them up yet and won't be able to until at least tomorrow. So I'm watching The Saint in order to get sleepy enough to sleep because a full day of work awaits me tomorrow. I think it's starting to work, actually... It's at the car chase where they have the Smashing Pumpkins cover of The Cars "You're All I've Got Tonight" playing in the background; I have to say, personally, the former band annoys me most of the time, but that cover came out pretty fun. Anyway, it's basically eleven and my alarm will go off at five, so I better go.

And Nicholas-from-Lola Tapas-friend, if you are reading this, thank you very much. I hope you like the videos and you're welcome to comment as you like.

Be good.

Birthday weekend: Day 2

I have a TV in my room. This is so cool. And the remote? It's magnetic, so I can stick it to my desk, or the guitar head of my CD rack right near my computer - and it stays. So cool.
I also got one of these. Which is awesome.

Dad, Jeremy and I had an early dinner at Sonora. Watching commercials on mute while having very delicious appetizers is sort of a tradition for us. Totally those small things (a la Good Will Hunting) you remember for pretty much ever.

Today was a weird day. I really just needed to say that. (And this post is going to change tenses and probably persons many times, and probably overuse the word 'and', but just bear with me, okay? I'm sleepy.)

It's hard to get older when you are sort of without a sense of direction. It seems like everyone around me is moving forward and I'm just sort of stopped, daydreaming, watching... maybe even a little dazed.
It's just one of those times, a phase, where I feel like God is far away. I don't mean I'm doubting Him or anything like that, it's just.... Like there are so many other things going on in the world that He's a little busy for my tiny issues and my whole reluctance to the inevitability of growing up and all that that entails. I realise that it's God I'm talking about here and the whole "if he can see every sparrow that falls to the ground" thing is a little too worn to make much of an impact, I'm also sure there are plenty of people in the same position... But that isn't really much of a comfort either.

I was talking to my brother Jeremy today, about this - and my general discouragement with life as of late - and he said some very... inspiring... things. About God, the universe, ambition, inspiration, and life in general that I know I've been needing to hear.
The healing will be slow, I can tell, but at least it's begun.

Then I had a very pleasant evening with an old buddy of mine, containing pizza, the Mills, a new watch, a couple of cookies, this CD-- And now, exhaustion.

Still a whole birthday weekend ahead...

An Underage Toast

So I was going to wait until I could make a new (and decidedly less cheesy) header before I officially started this thing - but a Worley wedding is about to take place.... And since I can't attend and there are some things that need saying, I may as well start here:

The Worleys are real-life heroes. Unbeknownst to them, I looked thier way many of the times I had nearly lost all hope in people over the last year. It's been a rough one, guys... I must say. And, somehow, selfish as it feels to assert, the encouragement (if only in the form of similar struggles) that I found in the words of these two people seemed like it was just for me. Like God used them to keep me from getting lost in myself.
Now, I don't know if that's true, but who does?

Tonight is all about Seth and Arley. About them being real, and loved, and about all the incredible things they'll accomplish as the God who brought them together sits wondering at His own awesomeness in doing so.

So, thanks to Seth and Arley, many happy returns, a joyous wedding, an Indy marathon, and a long, prosperous life together in this mad mad mad mad world.

Mazel tov.