dot.allison

All right, so....
I gotta admit. I'm pretty confused. The last two weeks are slowly congealing, days are finally beginning to separate.

Last Friday (well not this past Friday, but the one before it) I found out that my financial aid for the second half of my school was not going to come through. Yep. I guess there are worse reasons one could be kicked out of culinary school than not having enough money. But that's mostly me trying to make myself feel better.

I've spent most of the week trying to creatively fill the first six hours of my day since I still wake up at 5:30 every morning. Seven months is a long time to be doing the same thing every day, and I guess - after a while, you just sort of forget what you used to do before. So I went out for coffee, ran some errands, baked some brownies and cookies, and by Friday I was taking my dog to the park pretty steadily. Which has been nice. I've applied at a few places for a second job, too. So we'll see how that goes.

Freakishly, as stressful as the weeks leading up to that last day were... All I really felt was relief. At last, there was finality. Sure, there is the possibility (and intent) to return to school, but at least I could concentrate on what the next week was going to be like. I mean, there was more than one occasion where the head of the financial aid department was explaining different possible ways of splitting up these four and five digit numbers - and the room just started to spin. You know?

My week was going along pretty nicely, actually, and it all really hit me on Thursday. I was running errands and talking to a few bakeries my Dad recommended to hit up for jobs... And I was on the phone with him (my Dad) explaining how my last little meeting had gone, and looking for this small bakery on this street in the middle of a ton of roadwork-- when this wave of frustration, and I mean undiluted, burning, almost blinding frustration, pushed me back in my seat.

This is not how this was supposed to go. I shouldn't be doing this. Why is this happening? How did it happen? I shouldn't even be here right now. Was all that I could think. Luckily I found the place not a moment later, had to turn around the construction and pull into a parking space.

And then it finally happened, still on the phone talking to my Dad about looking for a job, I just started crying. It's what always happens when I really get frustrated or angry (and pretty much only then too, I'm not really a cryer) but it felt really random when I realized that I don't actually know when I'll be able to go back. Or why this happened. Nor had I any idea what God was trying to teach me through this.
As I talked to my Dad, or rather, he talked to me, I begged God for something. For anything. And then my Dad had to go. And suddenly, just for a few long seconds, I felt completely and utterly alone. And it was scary.