dot.allison

This morning I wanted to leave. 

I was in the middle of a sentence to Lauren about something she had to do (which I can't help having to say since it wouldn't otherwise be done) and I saw her eyes glaze over and lean toward the back of her head where I'm sure she held a picture of a certain AAR band member-- specifically stored to reference during my sentences: anyway, she was completely tuned out... And I just had it. 

A sudden urge to just grab keys and money and go until I ran out of gas just gripped me, tightly. And I couldn't. I still can't. This is probably one of those weekends that I will look back on forever as invariably life-altering, aging, and monumentally important... Why?

Because I met my stepmom today. This is the first time I call her that. 

She was here for about an hour; tiny, nervous, and adorable in her appropriately Summery dress. Her milky complexion and salient blue eyes framed in shimmering golden curls. She's coming back tomorrow to help make and have dinner with us before her flight back to New York.

I think the stress of the week, with my first lab class and all this emotional wedding craziness, plus another trainee quitting and screwing up my work schedule is starting to get to me. I should be more excited, but I am just too exhausted to feel much. All I really want is sleep. Good, long, deep sleep. I keep imagining staying in bed for an entire day. No food, no anything, just alternately dozing and sleeping... And I'll feel useless until I get it.  

Maybe I wanted to leave because I was afraid and it just happened to hit me at that particular moment. Though I don't know what I'd be afraid of - besides change, I guess. I suppose I am a little afraid of that. 

As my Dad was walking out the door to pick Her up from the airport yesterday he stopped, turned around to look over the room, and said gently, perhaps even to himself, "I guess I really am about to change our lives." 

It seemed like it had finally hit him. The purpose of everything we had all been working on for the last month straight, and the years of unknown preparation beforehand, were being realized, congealing...  I think it was one of those things you had to see to understand, to feel the tingle of the tension in the room, all of us standing silent, but there was an inexplicable profundity in it; the moment, I mean. As if the life-change itself were taking place that very second... And, hey, who knows? Maybe it did.